I caught myself being an arsehole today. Not in some dramatic way. In the quiet, insidious way that ambitious men specialise in.
I'd just finished training. I was in the stretch room, headphones in, mind racing through a thousand decisions about the business. Contracts, lawyers, timelines. A mate, Dane, came in to have a chat. And I gave him a half-arsed conversation, rolled over, and basically hoped he'd go away so I could keep thinking.
Then I got in the sauna. Alone. And for the first time that day, I wasn't thinking about work. I was thinking about how I'd just shown up, and how disappointed I was in it.
That's when I realised: my stress isn't just my problem. It's spilling into every relationship I have.
Stress Is Contagious
One of the things I care about most is that every person who interacts with me walks away feeling better. Happier, more confident, more valued. That's a standard I set for myself 12 to 18 months ago.
But when I'm carrying stress, the opposite happens. People can feel it. The bluntness. The impatience. The distraction. And that energy transfers. Stress is contagious. When you bring it home, your wife feels it. When you bring it to the gym, your mates feel it. When you bring it to client calls, they feel it.
The question is: are you aware of how your stress is influencing the people around you?
What Stress Does to You
I'm very aware that when stress creeps into my life, three things happen. I become distracted. I withdraw. And I become less affectionate.
Just saying that out loud is confronting, because those are the exact opposite of the man I want to be. I want to be focused, engaged, and present. I want the people in my life to feel valued and heard.
But when I'm bottling things up, grinding through a to-do list that never ends, running at a pace that leaves no margin, I default to short, anxious, and disconnected.
If you're honest with yourself, you probably have your own version of this. Maybe you snap at your wife when she asks a simple question. Maybe you stop calling your mates back. Maybe you sit next to your kids but you're not actually there.
Own It. Then Fix It.
When I got out of the sauna, I called Dane. I apologised. I told him I was carrying a lot, that it wasn't an excuse, but I wanted him to know that how I showed up wasn't how I intended to.
That phone call took two minutes. It probably saved a friendship from a slow erosion that happens when people start thinking you don't have time for them.
Here's what I've learned: the fix isn't complicated, but it does require honesty.
First, get specific about what's actually stressing you. Not just "I'm stressed." What exactly? Is it financial? Time pressure? A conversation you're avoiding? When you name it, you can address it. When it's vague, it controls everything.
Second, check your resources. Most stress amplifies when you feel like you don't have the tools to deal with it. When I looked at my situation clearly, I realised I did have the time. I did have the money for the lawyers, even if it wasn't what I wanted to spend. I was looking at it through a scarcity lens that was making everything worse.
Third, communicate before you blow up. Tell your wife, your mates, your team: "I'm working through something right now. If I seem blunt or withdrawn, it's not personal. I'm on it." That one sentence changes everything. People aren't mind readers. Give them context.
How Men and Women Handle Stress Differently
Something I read that stuck with me: men release less oxytocin than women when stressed. That means we have a stronger cortisol and adrenaline response. We're more likely to default to fight or flight, either repressing our emotions and withdrawing, or snapping.
Women tend to move toward connection under stress. Men tend to move away from it. Which means the exact time your partner wants to talk and connect is probably the exact time you want to be left alone.
Understanding that doesn't fix the problem, but it creates empathy. And empathy is the foundation of every relationship that survives stress.
The Standard
I drew a line in the sand. I don't want to be remembered for how busy I was or how hard I worked. I want to be remembered as someone who made people feel valued and heard, regardless of what was happening behind the scenes.
That means owning my stress before it owns my relationships. It means calling Dane back. It means putting my phone down when Amy's talking. It means recognising that being a high performer means nothing if the people closest to you feel like they're on the outside of your life.
Your stress is your responsibility. How you manage it determines the quality of every relationship you have.
Sort it out before something breaks that you can't fix with a phone call.
If you want to assess where you stand across the four pillars that matter most, take the free Own Your Week Scorecard and find out where your biggest opportunity for growth is.
If you're ready to stop letting stress run your life, learn about my coaching program for men who want to perform without sacrificing what matters most.
