More men reach out to me about communication struggles in their relationships than almost any other topic. And the conversation usually starts the same way: "I know I'm a good bloke. I just can't articulate myself. My emotions take over and I snap. I'm not showing up the way I want to."
I respect the hell out of any man willing to say that. Because admitting you need to improve your communication is the first step toward actually improving it.
I'm not going to pretend I've mastered this. I'm still working on it, still getting feedback, still catching myself doing the wrong thing. But I've learned enough to know what moves the needle. Here are five things that have made a real difference in my relationship with my wife Amy, and in every other relationship that matters to me.
1. Show Genuine Listening Interest
We all deal with distractions. Your phone buzzes. Someone walks past. Your mind drifts to something that was said earlier and suddenly you're in your own head while someone is talking directly to you.
People notice. They always notice.
Think about the best conversation you've ever had, one where someone made you feel like the most important person in the room. You remember it because their attention was completely on you. That's the standard.
What I'm working on: putting my phone in my pocket, keeping do not disturb on permanently, and maintaining eye contact. Simple things. Hard to do consistently.
Here's a practical move: ask your partner what makes them feel like you're genuinely interested in what they're saying. It's not about gaming the system. It's about understanding their communication cues. Maybe they need you to ask more questions. Maybe they just need you to look them in the eyes and stop fidgeting. Everyone's different.
2. Create Distraction-Free Time
This has been a game changer in my relationship. When Amy and I get into bed, we put our phones down and roll onto our sides, face each other, and just talk for at least 10 minutes.
We share what's going on. What we're excited about. What's frustrating us. Sometimes we just talk rubbish and laugh. But that 10 minutes of intentional, undistracted connection is one of the most valuable parts of my day.
And here's the thing: we almost always go past 10 minutes. Once you remove the distractions and create the space, the conversation flows naturally.
It doesn't have to be bedtime. Pick whatever time works. But schedule it. Remove the technology, the TV, the background noise. Just be present with the person you've committed your life to. If you're a man who doesn't feel valued or heard in your relationship, try this before you try anything else.
3. Set Boundaries
Most of the time when we get angry in a relationship, it's because a boundary has been crossed that we never communicated in the first place.
This is why the inner work matters. If you understand what you value, what you expect, and what you need in a relationship, you can set boundaries that protect those things. And when a boundary gets crossed, it's a conversation, not an explosion.
Without boundaries, you end up saying "I'm pissed off because of this" and your partner says "you never told me that bothered you." That's not a communication failure from them. It's one from you.
Do the work on yourself first. Journal. Meditate. Write down what matters to you. Then have the conversation with your partner about what you both need in order for the relationship to thrive, not just survive.
4. Become More Self-Aware
This ties directly into everything above. When you understand how you respond to stress, conflict, and pressure, you can communicate that to your partner before it becomes a problem.
For me, I've recognised that when confrontation comes up, I tend to shut down. I go quiet. I withdraw. In the past, I used to be loud and reactive. Now I've swung the other way, but the result is the same: Amy doesn't know what's going on in my head.
Because I'm aware of this pattern, I've been able to say to her: "This is how I respond. When you see me go quiet, it's not because I don't care. I'm processing. Give me some time and we'll talk it through."
That one conversation prevents a hundred misunderstandings. Without it, she'd assume I was angry, disinterested, or punishing her with silence. With it, she knows what's happening and can give me what I need.
Self-awareness isn't about being perfect. It's about being honest enough about your patterns that the people closest to you can work with you instead of against you.
5. Practice Communicating Every Day
Most men don't communicate well because they've never practised it. We communicate through aggression, through avoidance, or through silence, because we've never learned to put our thoughts and feelings into words.
That frustrated me for years. I knew what I felt but I couldn't articulate it. The only way I've improved is by doing it repeatedly, badly at first, and getting better over time.
This podcast is part of that practice for me. I don't script episodes. I write down a few bullet points and talk. Then I listen back and give myself feedback. Am I mumbling? Swearing too much? Could I articulate that point better? Every recording is an opportunity to improve.
You can do the same thing. Journal. Record voice notes. Have the awkward conversations with your partner even when you stumble over the words. The more you flex that muscle, the stronger it gets.
If you listen to episodes from when I started in 2017 and compare them to now, the growth is obvious. But it only happened because I kept showing up and kept practising, even when it felt uncomfortable.
The Bottom Line
Communication in your relationship isn't a talent you either have or don't. It's a skill you build through repetition, self-awareness, and the willingness to get it wrong on the way to getting it right.
Start with one of these five tips this week. Ask your partner what makes them feel heard. Create 10 minutes of distraction-free connection. Set one boundary you've been avoiding. Notice one pattern in how you respond to stress. Or just say out loud how you're feeling, even if the words come out messy.
If you're still alive, you've still got things to learn. And the men who invest in learning how to communicate are the ones who build relationships that last.
If you want to assess where you stand across the four pillars that matter most, take the free Own Your Week Scorecard and find out where your biggest opportunity for growth is.
For more episodes on relationships, communication, and life performance, check out the Man That Can podcast.
